Waiting for something better to come along

I emailed a friend the other day about an event I’m hosting at my house soon. I wanted said friend to know he/she was invited and welcome, plus I was trying (fruitlessly) to get an official headcount. The friend and I emailed back and forth for a bit and my friend’s final response went something like this:

I don’t know what I’m doing that day, so I’m going to say no.

Wait a minute. I don’t know what I have going on that day, but I’m going to say no to your offer?

My problem isn’t necessarily with the fact that my friend said no to the invitation. My problem is with the message my friend’s response sends: that he/she’s waiting for a better offer to come along. That my invitation isn’t good enough. That someone else will come along with some better offer and better company and you don’t want to be locked in to this lame event if that happens.

Yet many people my age and younger give this response all the time and see no problem with it. Here are the reasons I have a problem with it:

1. It’s rude. Basically you’ve told the person you’re waiting for something better to come along and that the person inviting you isn’t good enough. At the very least, it’s bad manners.

2. It sends the message that the person inviting you and the people who are coming aren’t good enough for you. And frankly, I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m past that stuff. Some people get on my nerves and I’m going to have closer relationships with some more than others. But none of that should cause me to be exclusive or to tell people they’re not worth my time by my actions. And that’s the message this response sends. And I just don’t want to do that anymore.

3. It’s hurtful. The way you respond to people says something about how much you respect or like them. I don’t expect everyone I know to come to everything I invite them to, but I will tell you this: the people who say yes every once in awhile will keep getting invited and those relationships could possibly grow into something more. The people who always turn me down—well, I figure they’re simply not interested on getting to know me on a deeper level and leave it at that. It doesn’t mean I dislike those people or treat them badly; it just means I recognize that our relationship isn’t necessarily going to get any deeper at this point in our lives. Perhaps I speak from the viewpoint of someone who’s “love language” is quality time, but it you don’t want to spend time with people or the things they invite you to do, they’re likely interpreting it to mean you don’t care about the same things and aren’t interested in growing to care more about each other.

So think before you give the whole “I”ll-be-there-if-nothing-better-comes-along” excuse. You’re sending a message when you say it. Are you sure that’s the message you want to send?