To whom it may concern (the griping and whining sessions)

Dear Enterprise Car Rental, Generally I only rent cars when I travel for work, which means I always trust Hertz with my rental car needs, since that’s who my company has a contract with. But I got one of your rental cars today because I had to put my car into the shop (see Tuesday in this post). You seem like a nice company, but your car stinks. I mean that literally. It stinks. Like cigarette smoke. And the brakes squeal. And I can’t find the sweet spot with the driver’s seat. Basically, this car sucks. And I hate it a little bit.

Hertz Gold Card member, Mandy

Dear Makers of Pants, I love pants. I love pockets. But I don’t think that I’m that big of a person. I mean, yeah, I’m not a size 2, but can you maybe make pants that actually fit women who have actual thighs, right? I I realize that maybe mine are bigger than other, skinnier, more beautiful, toned women. But every pair of pants I try on seems to cling there in a weird way. And I’m tired of it. So design some clothes for real people. While you’re at it, could you maybe standardize sizes across the board? Because it’s kind of weird and disconcerting that there’s such a huge range of sizes hanging in my closet.

I watch Project Runway, too Mandy

Dear coworker, Was it really necessary to call a meeting at 2 p.m. on a Friday afternoon? Really? And then was it necessary to keep us there longer than the hour we all allotted? Talking in random generalities and waxing eloquent? Because I quit listening after about 10 minutes and wanted to draw cute pictures on my legal pad, but I was sitting next to you. So I refrained. But I did go off into space for awhile. So if I gave you a funny look, it was because I had no clue what was happening!

Brain dead on Fridays, that girl from the 4th floor

Dear Muffin the Wonder Poodle, I think you’re great no matter what the world thinks. But I also realize you have your shortcomings. One of them is your refusal to actually bring the ball to me when you want me to play. I don’t have Go-Go Gadget arms. If I’ve sat down on a piece of furniture and put a laptop on my lap, I probably want to stay right there, not contort myself to reach a ball that you’ve place somewhere in my vicinity. I know you’re stubborn, but if we could work on this little character flaw, I’d appreciate it.

The one who feeds you, Mandy