To whom it may concern, part whatever

Dear Mr. Balsille (dude who’s trying to buy the Predators and move them to Canada): I don’t like you.

Thinking Canada already has enough NHL teams, Your least biggest fan, Mandy

********** Dear Adam “Pac-Man” Jones of the Tennessee Titans: Adam, Adam, Adam. Here’s a piece of free advice: learn to spend a quiet evening at home every so often. Get a hobby. Read a book. Find a TV show to watch. Just spend some time enjoying your home rather than strip clubs and bars. Oh, and find some new friends. Everyone you know seems to be toting around guns and shooting them at the most inopportune times. You have probably already flushed the best thing that ever happened to you down the drain with your antics, but, please, take these lessons to heart and learn that there’s more to life than strippers, drugs, guns, and alcohol! Had it up to here with Pac-Man in Nashville.

********** Dear Honda Passport driver in front of me on my way to work: I guess I sort of halfway understand some people’s desire to personalize their vehicles by adding various pictures and decals. That’s your perogative, to quote Bobby Brown. But really, why did yours have to be the silhouette of two shapely naked women, one an angel, the other a devil? All biblical discussion of angels aside, I’m a little frightened of whatever it was in your mind that thought this was the best decal to reflect your personality. And, really, I don’t want to look at naked silhouettes of women (even if she is an angel) with perfect breasts all the way to work. If I do happen to see you ever again, I am pondering crafting some nice clothing for your little friends. I think a couple nice muumuus would work, don’t you? A little offended on I-65, Mandy

********** Dear lady who wants to write for my magazine really badly: Stop stalking me via mail and e-mail. I wrote you a letter and expressly told you how to enter your name and submissions into our writer application system via the Internet. I quite clearly explained that this was the preferred way for prospective writers to submit themselves for consideration and review. I believe it was sufficiently clear that I would not be reading whatever 4,000-page text you sent me and allowing you into the writers pool. It doesn’t work that way!!! PLEASE, OH PLEASE STOP SENDING ME LETTERS. You’ve already got all these strikes against you. Do you really think I’m going to let you into my pool after you’ve annoyed the living daylights out of me. Really? Dreading looking into my mailbox, Mandy

********** Dear Sara Lee company: Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming out with the breakfast sandwiches that are lower in calories and fat. I love breakfast sandwiches and would eat them all day long. Your newest offering just made it much easier for me to eat my breakfast and enjoy it without worrying that I’ll gain 50 pounds and clog my ateries. Props to you! Mandy