To whom it may concern

Dear Lady in that little SUV thing on the way to work: First of all, I’ll just tell you this: you drive too slowly. Flow of traffic, Lady, flow of traffic. My second area of concern is the stickers on the back glass of your SUV. You know, those little stick figures that declare the members of your family, with names, even down to the dog. OK, this is somewhat acceptable to me if you’re a soccer mom in Brentwood, which is where I’ve seen a high number of these stickers and I always read them. But your little stickers were simply a stick figure for you and your dog. I’m not sure that gives the impression you want to give. Because I instantly felt sorry for you. And then I started to think it was kind of pathetic. And then I realized that I am also a single woman with a dog and began to believe that I was pathetic. Granted, upon passing your car, I discovered you were older than me and possibly closer to my parents’ age. But still. I just don’t know this is the message you want to portray. Plus, you sent me on a cycle of self-doubt and loathing, all before 7 a.m. That’s just not OK. Pathetically yours, Mandy

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Dear fellow Starbucks customer: You may be a regular at Starbucks. I, honestly, am not. I only go there once in awhile and I think their plain coffee drinks always tastes a bit burnt. But I stopped in today for an americano and one of the yummy blueberry muffins. You were standing in the line to order when I got there, so I got in line behind you. Then, you left the line, and I was utterly confused. Then, you just started pacing around the store. Through the people in line. Over to the coffee cups. Hanging over the refrigerated case. OK, in my opinion, and apparently that of other customers, the waiting-for-your-coffee drink protocol is to stand in that area near the counter where they put the finished drinks. You’re confusing other customers with your pacing and wandering. And I’m sure the baristas would prefer that you not hang over and touch things in the refrigerated case if you’re not going to buy them. I’m just saying. So, when you’re waiting for your venti mocha frap next time, stay in the allotted waiting area. Even if it’s just for my sake. Confused by other people, Mandy

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Dear Adidas: Alisha and I were looking so forward to your Fleet Feet test run event. But, dude, here’s a hint: if you’re inviting people to come test the shoes, you might want to bring MORE pairs of shoes in the most common sizes. I’m just sayin’. Because I wear a 6.5 to 7 in running shoes. This isn’t big and/or unusual. Lots of women wear size 7. And you were already out of them by 20 minutes before the run was supposed to start. Yeah, thanks for the T-shirt, but I was there for the shoes and the chance to win free ones. Alisha and I were disappointed and didn’t see the point in staying for your 3-mile run if we couldn’t wear the fancy shoes. I know you seemed appropriately sad that we couldn’t be involved and I like you for that, but seriously, we just wanted to run. In the shoes. Like “real” runners. Oh, well. We still got our 3 miles in and didn’t throw up from eating burritos beforehand. We’re awesome; you’re not. Wearing your T-shirt but not your shoes, Mandy