To whom it may concern

It’s been awhile since I’ve written letters, but my sarcastic, pet-peevey self has been coming out to play lately. So, get ready for some cynical sarcasm.

Dear “Encourager” Lady: I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that when you shouted “you can do it!” from the window of your heated SUV as you drove past me during the Tim Henning Spring Hill Fun Run Invitational (2009). But after shouting it, you started laughing uproariously, then rolled up your windows and sped away. And really, I wanted to force you to get out of your car and run the dumb race with me. Because I’d just jumped over a dead snake and was running in wet grass in 50-something degree weather. It wasn’t fun, but I was being physically active. Your encouragement may have been well intentioned, but I just wanted to throw some mud or maybe that snake at you. And I don’t like snakes. A grumpy runner

Dear Drivers: I don’t know what the deal is, but lately, when I’m not on the interstate, I always get behind the can’t-drive-a-constant-speed-slam-on-the-brakes-at-the-drop-of-a-hat drivers. And I’m just going to be frank: I don’t like you. You make me angry. You make me call you stupid. And that’s really not the kind of person I am. Not in general anyway, just when I’m behind you. It’s just that stop and go really isn’t my thing. And I hate having to pick all of the contents of my purse up out of the front floorboard of my car. So if you could just learn about driving a constant speed and how easing off the gas pedal before you need to stop helps to avoid slamming on the brakes, I’d greatly appreciate it. Trying to get road rage under control

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Dear Headache: I don’t know what caused you. Friends have suggested the weather change and dehydration. I figure it’s some of both. But you’ve overstayed your welcome. I’d really appreciate it if you simply walked right out of my life. When I woke up this morning and you were STILL around, I moved past anger to pure hatred. Leave, just leave. You said what you had to say, now leave. You don’t even have to say good-bye. Here’s to hoping you’re gone soon, Mandy

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Dear velvet blazer: I love you. I love you. I love you. I mean really, really love you. You made my Monday morning slightly brighter in purple velvety happy way. You make me feel fashionable, cute, and warm. And I love you. I will wear you until you wear out and then mourn you for the rest of my life. Because there will never be another velvet blazer like you. Believing George Costanza was right about wearing velvet, Mandy

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Dear Stuff Christians Like Blogger: You are awesome. And witty. And make me laugh out loud. But your post on a problem that is plaguing America, the Super V, was AMAZING. Thank you for dealing with this problem head-on. Because as I’ve often written in my diatribes against my beloved Andy Davis’ V-necks, I don’t need to see that much chest. Really. It’s just not OK. Against the Super V with all my heart, Mandy

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Dear guitarist at church, You made my day yesterday. You didn’t have to say anything to me, and you chose to and it completely lifted my mood. (See earlier letter to my headache.) See, I didn’t feel too beautiful yesterday, but then as I was leaving church, you said: “You were a very pretty princess last night. I figure you got the crown from all the beauty pageants.” Aww. Of course, the reason I have a tiara has nothing to do with beauty pageants or being voted some sort of queen in high school, but rather complaining SO much about wanting a tiara that someone finally just bought me one, but you didn’t know that. And you thought I was pretty! From someone who has spent most of her life not believing that, your words were sweet. I know my worth isn’t tied up in my physical appearance (now, not in high school though) and that physical beauty is fleeting and temporary, but still, when someone blesses you with the gift of words like that, it feels good. So, thank you. I just hope that I am cultivating inner beauty, too, because that is what’s pleasing to God. And as an aside, continue with your crazy guitar riffs during services. I love them. Other people don’t, but everybody doesn’t have to like everything. Thanking you for kind words and feeling beautiful, Mandy