The twilight zone

I should have known it was going to be a weird stop at Wal-Mart, but I went anyway. I mean, didn’t I just read Crystal’s story of woe about her ill-fated trip to an OKC Wal-Mart?

And really, I hardly ever even go to Wal-Mart. Why was I even there? Oh, yeah, that’s right, to get Peanut Butter & Co. White Chocolate Wonderful, Tide, and popcorn. Because it was apparently absolutely necessary that I get them tonight. So, I braved Harding Road and headed into the store I generally love to avoid.

First, I encountered a Fashion Disaster near the kitchen/cookware aisles of the store. She had on really terrible boots that looked really silly over her jeans. The most unattractive part of her outfit was the scowl she was sporting, though. She had her cart piled high and was just standing there, taking up half the aisle. It was hard to get past her, but she never budged, noticed she was being rude, or moved. She received THE GLARE, but I don’t think it actually accomplished much.

Then, I had to navigate my way across the back of the store to the laundry detergent aisle. Fun times! It was sort of like a life-sized game of Frogger.

Eventually, I made it and found my favorite kind of Tide and was walking down the aisle when another shopper stopped me, holding out a bottle of fabric softener. “Excuse me,” he said. “I have a cold and can’t smell. Does this smell good?” I sniffed the bottle he held under my nose, agreed that it was nice, and told him so. He then asked if it was OK for a guy. I said I thought it was. He then explained that his son had given him a cold, rendering his smeller useless. I don’t know if any of this was actually true. I always have a fear that people are trying to hit on me. And if you know me, you know that I don’t get subtleties and subterfuge in flirting. So if he was trying to find a way to strike up a conversation, he so struck out, ’cause I basically ran away in search of peanut butter.

After finding said peanut butter, I went in search of popcorn, which was, of course, way back by the detergent. I scurried back there, avoided a run-in with the fabric softener guy, and headed back toward the check-outs, after a brief stop-off in the baby clothes section.

So I got in line. In the 20 items or less express line. Behind the Fashion Disaster. Great! Besides ignoring the rules of fashion, she also seems incapable of actually abiding behind the 20 items or less rule. I refuse to break said rule, thinking it’s inconsiderate of others who actually need it and, come on!, it’s the express lane! After she finally got checked out (which included a price check on an item), she started writing the total in her check registery and balancing her checkbook. Which is laudable and nice. She’s just doing it right there in line in front of the debit card swiping machine and the checker has checked my 4 items and it’s time to pay. But I can’t because fashion disaster is standing right there. I was kind of past being nice and non-rude to her, so I just decided to push up there and swipe my card. Which she didn’t like much, but she did move. I think she said “excuse me” but I was way into ignoring her and throwing THE GLARE her way.

When I finally got out of the store, the drivers in the parking lot didn’t seem to realize that there are pedestrian areas for a reason. After being nearly run over by a hurried shopper in a car, I gave the next driver the meanest look possible and basically mentally tried to tell him that I was walking and he was going to let me pass. I don’t know if that actually works, but I did get across the street and to my car.

All that said, I’m popping some popcorn, vegging out, and wrapping some gifts.

And avoiding Wal-Mart at all costs.