The big screen

After an impromptu excursion to the theater on Saturday night (to see Australia, during which I fell in love with Hugh Jackman, sigh) I hit upon some movie theater etiquette perhaps we should all consider. Ready? I thought so. Here we go:

• The girl next to me got up and (I guess) went to the bathroom about an hour into the movie. Now Australia is long. We all knew this going in. Not a secret. And it doesn’t bother me that she got up and went to the bathroom. Whatever. What did bother me was that she got up, was gone for a bit, then came back and asked her date/husband what had happened while she was gone. OK, a lot had happened. And a lot was happening onscreen that I was trying to follow. And now, he’s distracting me while trying to explain it to you. If it was that important, you shouldn’t have left. It’s like coming into a final late. You don’t get that time back. You knew when it started and when it finished. Don’t bug the rest of us because your bladder is small. That’s all I’m saying.

• All that said (and one of you will point out my inconsistencies) I am quite worried that I may be one of those people who talks too much at the movies. I just can’t help it. I mock. I have to point out things like the mysterious, magically shortening stirrups when Nullah gets on the horse at the beginning of Australia. I can’t not talk when Hugh Jackman takes his shirt off. I can’t not process thoughts about what’s happening. I. have. to. comment. on. movies. It is part of what makes me who I am. So, I’m proposing movie theaters build little rooms for people like me. I need to process aloud while I’m watching the movie. And I really don’t want to distract everyone. Just the people I’m with. I hope you don’t mind.

• If you are a movie employee concessions worker, please, please, please think about how what you’re saying sounds. Because the guy who served me my small (I use that word loosely) Coke Zero and snacks reminded me of Bon Qui Qui when he asked if I wanted my receipt. And I almost laughed in his face. Which wouldn’t have been nice.

• When exiting the movie theater, it only makes sense to let the people in the rows ahead of you get out before you charge the stairs and run them down. We manage to do this when exiting planes and when leaving weddings. Why can’t we wait our turns and exit orderly by rows at the movies? In the case of Australia, you can start running for the restroom as soon as you get out of the theater. That is OK.

• Pick up your trash when leaving the theater. This isn’t a baseball game.

Just a few thoughts on movie theater etiquette. I may not get to post tomorrow since I have a doctor’s appointment. Boo. I know that saddens you all and brings tears to your eyes. Or at least I like to think it does.