Serious Monday

It seems that lately, my most serious posts come on Mondays. Maybe it’s because of church on Sunday. Maybe it’s because getting up and going on Mondays is HARD and my brain tends toward the serious more at the beginning of the work week.

Whatever the reason, you’re getting another serious post today. Here’s a little of what’s been going on in my life:

God’s been trying to teach me a particular lesson for several years now. It has to do with believing I am who He says I am, remembering who I am, and living out of the power He gives me. And for most of my teen and adult life, believing Him in those areas has been difficult, if not downright impossible. And frankly, the last few years of my walk of faith haven’t been all that easy. I found myself mournful, broken, and deeply regretful of the depth of my sinfulness. I was overwhelmed with grief and thought I’d never get my head above the waves of it when my grandma passed away. I felt like I was a failure in God’s eyes, that I was His biggest disappointment. That I was too messed up. Too broken. Too. . .forgettable, sinful, caught up in myself, hypocritical. I’ve had what some term “the dark night of the soul,” when you’re so broken, confused, and scared that you can’t seem to feel how near God is and don’t think you have the strength to believe He really loves you and is the one who is stopping your free fall.

But I’ve also had some special moments I can’t forget. The morning I woke up and the words He gave me were ringing in my ears: “Take heart! I have overcome the world!” I can’t explain it other than to say that wasn’t my thought. It was His. There was the night I prayed specifically for God to wake someone up to pray for me because I didn’t feel like I could—and the next day a friend emailed to say he had woken up in the middle of the night with me on his mind and prayed for me. There have been moments in sermons when pastors have said “I don’t know why I’m saying this, but. . ” and I’ve known it was for me. Messages that He loves me. That guilt is not His specialty. That once you are His, you can’t be ripped from His hand.

Not long ago, I went to Hutchmoot with a friend. I was a little spiritually low at the time and wondering what good God was doing in my life if it felt this bad. But over and over that weekend, I heard people I loved and respected as singer/songwriters and writers admit that walking in faith wasn’t easy. That they had trouble remembering who they were in Christ. That our walks of faith are full of inward dying and resurrection, letting go and letting God. Remember who you are they whispered and spoke and sang. It became my rallying cry in the weeks that followed.

Remember who you are, Mandy. Remember who I say you are. Remember that you are not your sin or your failure or anything else. Remember that you are MINE.

During that weekend, Andrew Peterson sang “Hosanna,” a song of his I’d honestly not thought much about lately. But hosanna actually means “God save us” and is the cry of people who recognize they need a Savior. And it was the cry of my heart. In the song, Andrew talks about God tearing down the temple to raise it up again in three days. I understood the lyrics were about Christ, but deep in my soul, in that moment, I also understood they were about me. That God was tearing down some things in my life in order to rebuild me as the woman He wants me to be. That it was supposed to hurt. That it would be OK.

Then came Beth Moore and the current women’s Bible study at my church. The moment our women’s ministry director got up and promo-ed the study and recited its 5-statement pledge of faith, I knew I was supposed to be involved, especially when the third point was: I am who God says I am. But I almost didn’t sign up and tried to tell God it was too much right now, that I didn’t have time, that I was tired. And I was and am. But on the day the study was supposed to start, I knew I had to be obedient and do what I knew He was calling me to do. So I signed up.

And I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same. Because I know He planned this study FOR me. He had Beth write it 10 years ago and film it, but He did it for me. He had Judson do it at this point FOR me. Several weeks ago, we did the session on “You are who God says you are.” And I knew, once again, God was speaking to me. That I could kick and scream and tell Him how awful or confused or hurt I am, but He wouldn’t walk away. And He won’t ever quit on me. And He has a plan for me that I can’t see. I understood that He had allowed me to be sifted and was indeed tearing some things out of my life in order to make me the woman He needs me to be.

It’s the reason He drew me to Proverbs 31 and I’ve committed to studying it for six months. It’s the reason I’ve had to take a hard look at myself and let go of some things. It’s the reason I’ve had to speak up when I would have remained silent before and had to speak some hard things to people I loved. It’s the reason I’ve had to close my mouth and remember His words are more important than mine.

I don’t know where all this is leading, but it’s going somewhere that is according to His purpose and plan. And as I understood today, He is able to redeem any and every thing.

I just have to stop holding on with clenched fists and let Him.