It’s a Grand Ole Opry, AI style.

Ryan paces behind the contestants, Lil’s got new hair, and everyone looks tense. It’s Opry week, folks, and I’m the only one who’s pumped—or so it seems!

The judges make their dippy entrance again, Paula in a much too long dress featuring a huge butterfly print. And the audience goes crazy for. . . Ryan. Who I’ve been following on Twitter and don’t think he’s quite as stupid as I once thought. Oh, wait. He just made a stupid joke about pints, St. Pat’s, and this show. Yeah, I’m back to calling him a tool.

He takes up time that could be spent singing interviewing the judges. Really, producers. We watch to hear and see the performances. Not Ryan interview Randy, Paula, Kara, and Simon.

And then there’s a package about the Grand Ole Opry. And they don’t show the RYMAN! How can you talk about the Opry and not show the mother church of country music? I love the Ryman. I think it’s akin to holy. And. they. didn’t. show. it. BIG MISTAKE!

Randy Travis is the mentor. Oh, boy. This is about to get interesting. Randy’s looking older but he seems as sweet and sincere as ever.

Up first, Michael Sarver. He’s doing some word with a lot of words. Oh, “Ain’t Going Down Till the Sun Comes Up.” Randy gives some great advice about not sacrificing lyrics for licks. This seems like Michael’s roundhouse, but it’s nothing special. And I’m overly distracted by the crazed harmonica playing guy. Honestly, I’m focused on Harmonica Man, the backup singers vocals, and slightly bored by Michael. I just tell it like I see it. Randy says it was a good song choice but didn’t show us anything new about his voice (Word, Randy!); Kara says it was personality and not impressive singing; Paula name drops, says a lot of words, and says the genre suits him; Simon says it was hard to understand him (true that, Simon!) and a bit clumsy. Bottom line: Michael is a sweet guy and a good singer. But he’s not the American Idol.

Commercial break, then Allison and Kris. And I’m off to get laundry out of the dryer. I”m such a multi-tasker!

Ooh! Allison is doing Patty Loveless. And she’s wearing stirrup pants in her session with Randy, who pays her a compliment about her great voice and gives good advice about not doing this dumb dance that I sometimes employ during choir rehearsal. Please take his advice, Allison. She looks great tonight and she’s rocking this song. I have to admit, of the girls, she’s one of my favorites. I think she has a great voice, rocked the song, and is a ton of fun. Kara says a cliche about singing the alphabet and says she made the song her own; Paula says it was a rock-solid performance and rambles on forever long; Simon says it was good and seemed that she was struggling for words (Allison says she wasn’t), but precocious (Randy Travis LAUGHS); Randy says it was “dope.” Seriously, Randy. This is 2009.

Up now, Kris. He’s doing a Garth song. Seriously, people. You have the whole Opry catalog to choose from. There are some true gems out there! Randy T. says Kris didn’t copy Garth’s version and is impressed by his singing skills. Oh, this is a Garth song I LOVE, “Make you feel my love.” He sits on a stool and makes it a beautiful little ballad, even going up to falsetto on a few notes and letting a little catch in his voice add emotion to the song. It’s good; but I worry it’s not memorable. Paula says it was honest, pure, and vulnerable, but had a few low note pitch probs; Simon says it was terrific (yay! Simon liked it!) and says it wasn’t over the top, which I personally think is a problem a lot of performers have; Randy says it showcased his vocals; Kara says it wasn’t overly country, just beautiful. He did do a beautiful job on a very beautiful, straightforward version of a emotional song.

Mindy and I have a conversation via IM about who wrote that song (Bob Dylan) and then discuss the movie Pure Country, which said song is not in. We watched that movie about 400 times in ag class when I was in school. Our teacher LOVED that movie and somehow that’s the movie we always watched when we had a “free” day during finals week or right before Christmas. Strange. I still know most of the words to “Heartland.” And I must admit, I love the idea of a Bob Dylan song during Opry week. It would also explain why I love this song.

Lil Rounds is up next, with a new hairstyle. Ryan interviews about her lack of knowledge about country music and she expresses a desire to honor the genre. You go girl! But she’s doing a Martina song, “Independence Day.” Oh, girl. Really? That’s akin to attempting Mariah or Whitney Houston. This is the big diva voice of country music. Randy gives her some good advice about slowing down the verses and letting the words breathe and says if she does it right, she’ll nail the song. I’m nonplussed with the verses. She does a beautiful job on the chorus, but seriously, I’ve heard my friend Mindy sing this song better in a loud sing-along on a roadtrip. It’s good, but it’s not Martina. Randy says he can tell she struggled; Kara says the front half wasn’t so great and probably not her best performance; Paula compliments hair, makeup, vocals, but says one verse and a chorus would have helped the performance; Simon calls her Lil “Little” and says it was like being forced to sing a song at a wedding you didn’t really like (oh, Simon, I’ve been there. When God Made You, anyone?). Simon interrupts Lil and says there was a lot she could have done, taking a song and making it more R&B. That’s kind of a cool idea. What if she’d done “Crazy”?

Commercial. Folding towels. Then Adam Lambert. I apologize to every Opry member for what is about to happen.

Ryan uses the word “antithetical” to describe Adam and Randy Travis’ interaction. Adam is doing “Ring of Fire” and Randy is immediately concerned about the “middle eastern” version. Randy T. is speechless. And Randy T. also seems a bit flummoxed that anyone would mess with Cash (me too!), but while he thinks Adam is weird, says nice stuff about him. He starts singing the song and I hate it. And he’s trying to make love to the mic. The sex appeal is not working, on me at least. I do give him points for making a classic different and Adam can undoubtedly sing. But he’s so theatrical. He’s channeling Freddie Mecury doing Johnny Cash. (Actually, written by June Carter Cash.) Kara seems speechless and says it was strange, but she sort of liked it; Paula says Adam stands out and is always true to who he is and that she liked it; Simon says what we’re all thinking (What the hell was that?) and says people in Nashville probably hate Adam right now (yep!); and calls it was rubbish; Randy says it was like Nine Inch Nails doing country. Which for the record, Johnny Cash did with “Hurt” and it was much better than that whatever Adam just forced me to watch.

Scott McIntyre is up and he’s doing “Wild Angels” by Martina. Randy Travis is concerned it may not be a good choice for him. Randy T. asks him to pick up the tempo and vocally is quite good. This could be interesting. I still say singing Martina is dangerous, but it’s a little different for a guy. He’s got a few rough spots on the verse, particularly on lower notes, but the chorus is beautiful. But I do think it’s a bit too slow. Then, a lot of percussion and instruments come in and it speeds up. This is great! Scott may not have the best voice, but I think he did an adequate job. Paula says the piano may be a crutch now and asks him to be a showman (he says, “We can move it closer”); Simon says Paula’s comment was stupid and they fight, then Simon says the song choice wasn’t great; Randy tries to talk over Paula and Simon’s tiff and says he wants unbelievable vocals and all Scott is giving us is “safe”; Kara says it’s time to up the game, but says Scott brings class and poise to the stage.

Alexis is up next with a Dolly song. Don’t mess with Dolly, Alexis. Honor the icon.

Alexis is doing “Jolene.” I love “Jolene”! Randy T. says she did a great song and understands telling the story. But please, y’all. Go listen to Mindy Smith’s version of this song. It will rock your world. Alexis wants to do Dolly proud. She starts out walking down the stairs. And the vocals are pure and clear. It’s good. I’m not sure I would have done all the “Ahs” and “yeah yeahs” in the middle, but otherwise she gets that she is telling a story and taking on a character. It’s good and it’s definitely NOT Dolly-esque. And I love me some Dolly. Randy says it was a good song but had a lot of pitch problems (were we listening to the same song?); Kara says she lost her edge a bit (Kara seems to only want her to sing angsty, angry woman songs); Paula disagrees and says it was good; Simon says it was OK, sound alike, and forgettable.

Danny’s next and he’s doing Carrie Underwood. I. am. scared.

Danny says he got nervous singing in front of Randy T. He messes up again and again. Randy T. says he hopes that he better get it together for the performance, but says that he wishes he had Danny’s soulfulness. It’s “Jesus Take the Wheel,” boys and girls. Simon will probably say this is indulgent and . . . wait a minute—what is Danny wearing? That white jacket is HIDEOUS. It’s like Members Only for 2009. And has Danny always had that chin facial hair? He’s absolutely great on the chorus and while I don’t think it was his best performance ever, it’s good. Kara tries to talk, but the crowd cheers too loudly, then says the front half was blah, but the end was great!; Paula says he built the story and that Carrie Underwood would buy the record; Simon sort of agrees with Paula that you can’t always sing at decible level 400 (and mocks Danny’s outfit! Oh, my gosh, I sound like Simon!); Randy says the verses were OK, but the chorus was blazing.

Anoop is next and interviews that he’s nervous about country music. Randy T. has doubts about Anoop doing “Always on My Mind” and Anoop blew him away. He gives advice about holding back on the lick until he’s further into the song and predicts this will be Anoop’s best performance. And he has my attention from the first note. This is actually amazing. I am continually surprised at the voice that comes out of Anoop because it’s so unexpected. It was beautiful and understated and lovely. Paula likes his interpretation; Simon says he went from zero to hero and says it was a great choice and one of his fave performances of the whole night; Randy says this is the reason they wanted Anoop in the competition and throws out “Anoop Dog” and the word “dope” some more; Kara says he took a classic and was amazing.

After the break, it’s Meghan Joy. This is when I should get scared. I think she’s probably gone after this week unless she just kills this. In a good way.

During the commercial, Mindy and I discuss how we’d rather not listen to Meghan Joy. Then I get distracted by a “Fringe” commercial featuring grown up Pacey!

Meghan is doing “Walking After Midnight,” which Randy T. says has been done and done over and over. But then Randy says she did it completely unique. She better nail it, because she has been rather not good these past few weeks and I’m not convinced she can actually sing. It starts out well and she’s acting all weird at the mic and doing that stupid dance she does. I feel like it’s Amy Winehouse doing Patsy, only not very well. And her dress is strange and does weird things in the bodice/chest area. She coughs to prove she’s sick, but Randy says he was “quite impressed;” Kara says it was the perfect song and look; Paula points out that Meghan has been in the hospital and that it was fantastic (maybe I’m jaded, because I didn’t like it that much); Simon says it was great, but that her stylist is sucking away her quirkiness. I will withhold my comments on the dress. But Mindy got them all on IM.

And the final singer is Matt Giraud. He’s doing a Carrie song and again, Randy T. doubts the choice, but says it was great. (And at the beginning of the package, Simon’s mic was still on and you hear him over the top of Matt and Randy T.’s conversation. hee!) Matt plays the piano (shocker!) and has slowed the song down a lot, apparently. I don’t know. I don’t listen to modern country music that much! My deal with Matt is that I think he has talent. I will not deny that, but he’s just OK for me. He doesn’t surprise me like Anoop, tug on my heart like Scott, or excite me like Danny. He doesn’t even annoy like Adam. He’s just OK for me. Kara says it was amazing; Paula says it was authentic (which she has trouble getting out); Simon says Matt hasn’t gotten enough credit for his vocals and that he outsang Danny tonight (I agree they’re similar, but I think Danny’s better); Randy says it was his favorite performance of the night. Really?

Picks to go home: Hmm. This is hard! Michael Sarver might get the boot; he was boring. (Mindy says: He was boring doing Garth. That’s a talent!) I also think Lil didn’t do great. Kris Allen did a beautiful job, but everyone forgets about him. I hated Adam but I don’t think America will vote him off. Scott probably isn’t long for the show either. Meghan is a one-style singer and I’m tired of the gimmick.

The best: Danny, Matt, Alexis, Allison, Kris, Anoop  (maybe the best of the night! )