It is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing

On my way to work and during some intense self-examination, I thought I knew what today’s post would be about. (BTW, intense self-examination often happens during my drive time. It’s the one time when I’m captive and have to face who I am, what I’m doing, and why I reacted that way.

And today, I thought I’d hit on this big TRUTH. That I’d really had some insight into myself. I was going to write all about how I have this weird belief buried somewhere in my brain that I’m not worth very much. And this thought shows up in a lot of different ways. A fear that I’m not good at my job or that they’ll fire me suddenly one day when they realize I’m not amazing. Complete awkwardness when a cute guy tries to talk to or befriend me because I can’t figure out why he’s wasting his time with me when there’s so many more beautiful and interesting people in the room. An honest plea in a prayer: What is wrong with me?

And there are parts of that paragraph that are very true. I don’t think I’m that special, beautiful, or worthy, most of the time. I turn into a complete spaz around guys I think are cute and would like to know better, and if I’m truly honest about my fears, sabotaging the chance to get to know them better even though I don’t mean to.

But sometimes I do believe I’m special, beautiful, and worthy. Like a few seconds after my mind went down that whole path of low self-esteem and fears this morning, when I found myself mentally saying, “You deserve better than that. You’re worth it.”

I think the truth is complicated. I think I am that girl who sees every flaw in herself and dwells on them until she can’t escape their weight. But I’m also that girl who listens to a Voice outside herself that says she is worth it; she is beautiful; she isn’t forgettable.

I have no great lesson from all this deep thinking. All I know is that all of those things I’ve thought about myself this morning are true in one way or another—and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The truth is complicated.

And in all honesty, so am I.