Getting over it

Ever had that moment when you realize that you’re not quite over something you thought you’d let go of?

Say, like at 3:18 p.m. on a Friday afternoon in the middle of your work when a thought about someone crosses your mind and you’re a little surprised by the feelings and how vehemently you feel those words? When you say out loud to no one in particular, “He’s a jerk!”

You’re surprised because you thought you were past this. You’re surprised because the anger had subsided. You’re confused because for some crazy reason, you thought forgiveness was a one-time deal.

Get this: I’m learning ever more that it’s not. Choosing to forgive is sometimes choosing to do it over and over, even about something that happened in the past and is over and done with. Because the memories don’t go away and crop up at the most unexpected times. Some hurts take time and effort to get over. Sometimes forgiving involves acknowledging the memory of the hurtful thing and choosing in that moment to forgive again, not letting it control you, overwhelm you, or become the thing you think about most. Forgiveness sometimes isn’t a once-and-done deal. Sometimes, it’s letting go, piece-by-piece until the hurtful thing no longer has a hold on you or gets your rattled and emotional.

Sometimes, too, the problem is me. All too often, as my pastor preached yesterday, I’m fueled by pride and selfishness, thinking I’m meek and teachable, but being anything but. Sometimes, I push for my own way at any cost. Sometimes, I want to hang on to the hurt and nurture it, rather than let it go and let God give me the gift of doing so. (Yes, the GIFT of forgiving someone.) Sometimes, I think I know better than Him—that He doesn’t get how much that hurt or why I don’t think that person deserves forgiveness.

And as I admitted to Him yesterday, I’ve been so wrong so many times. My selfish way quite simply isn’t the right way.

My prayer today:

Father who loves me, Christ my Savior and my Lord, Holy Spirit my comfort and guide: Teach me your ways today. Guide me to walk in them, to speak your truth, to love like you love. Help me to be the woman you have called me to be and not try to be anyone else. Above all, help me to forgive, forgive, forgive. As you have forgiven me. I do not deserve the grace you have shown me, but I claim it and I proclaim it. Lead me, Lord.