Excited sadness

I realize the words “excited sadness” don’t really fit together that well, but when I tried to come up with the way I felt, they’re the only ones that kept coming back to mind.

I’m leaving Missouri in a bit to head back to Nashville, a place I referred to as home twice yesterday in conversations with my parents and I’m not sure how my parents took that. I’m writing this as I sit in the floor of the bedroom of my childhood, a room that’s still pink (my signature color as a kid) and still has framed pictures of school dances and friends hanging on the walls. I sit here in the last week of 2009, reflecting on the year and pondering the future . . . and I feel excitedly sad.

Sad because: I sometimes feel like my life is a long series of good-byes and I have to say good-bye to my family again today. I’ve been a little bit sad this holiday season for a myriad of reasons, none of which I’m going to delve into with any sort of detail. My nephew changes every time I see him and sometimes I feel like I’m missing out. My parents’ house is familiar and safe and sometimes I want to go home to Nashville and stay at the same time. My grandma isn’t really doing all that well. She did recognize me for about 5 minutes though on Christmas Day. My dad likes to show me his love by taking care of me. Earlier today, he had the local mechanic guy check out the tires on my car and filled the tank up with gas. When you’re used to doing all that stuff on your own, it’s nice when someone else thinks about your well-being.

I’m excited because. . . I’m going home to Nashville, a place I love. a new year is just around the corner and there are possibilities and exciting things yet to happen, things I haven’t even dreamed of yet! I ordered new running shoes! Lunarglides! Bright blue ones! after I get back to Nashville, some people I love are coming over for a low-key New Year’s Eve celebration. I could use a little reassurance that I’m a likable person. a new year is another chance to get things back on track—at work, in life, and in general. There’s the possibility of a summertime trip somewhere fun with my friend Brandy who I don’t get to see often enough. Later this week, I get to give out the Mandy Awards to top referrers and such according to this year’s blog stats. Will you get one? Do you even WANT one?

So, Nashville, I’ll be back later this afternoon. I’ve missed you. And I’m trying to find David Mead’s song “Nashville” which has inexplicably been removed from my iTunes library for my return playlist.

But, Bernie, I’m also sad to leave the place that made me who I am, the town that’s overly excited about a high school Christmas tournament right now, the place that will always hold part of my heart.

🙂