Do you really think so?

Let’s just get this out there: I’m not a complete idiot. Sure, I have my moments, sometimes weeks and weeks of them strung together, but I have a decent bit of intelligence, and I’m not afraid to use it. But here’s the deal: sometimes all the people around me seem to think that I’m way smarter than I actually am and talk to me about things that are so over my head. Lately, I’ve been struck (and impressed) with the things you think I understand but in reality, you sound just like Charlie Brown’s teacher to my ears.

Here’s a few of those things:

• The font system (suitcase) at work. I don’t know why my fonts don’t work on certain projects. And when they don’t, I turn them on. Permanently. And apparently having 800-something fonts up and running on your computer is a bad thing. Please don’t tell me to add my own fonts, turn them on, or delete them. I really don’t know how and any attempt to do so ends up with me muddling around in a program I don’t understand yet hate (in the way Michael Scott hates Toby) and screwing a bunch of stuff up.

• Cars. I know nothing about motors, transmissions, tires, shocks, basically anything car-related. Don’t treat me like an idiot, but know that if you start using car repair jargon, it’s like you’re speaking Russian. Seriously, guys, I can’t even change a tire. My dad gave up on that lesson about 15 minutes in when it was clear that I was so not going to get it.

• The effects of various pharmaceuticals on peoples’ bodies. Maybe the better way to put this is this: I don’t care how they work on the  molecular level (unless it’s really novel), I just care that they work. I don’t need to know random facts about what binds to what and why I shouldn’t take ibuprofen or why such and such might be bad for me. The way I figure it, we’re all dying a little every day any way, so why can’t I just get rid of this headache with a little Advil? Or a lot?

• Golf. I know, I know. I think I’d actually enjoy golf if I ever played it. Except that one time my friend Misty tried to teach me to put on my parents’ lawn . . . that was bad. Anyway, I do think it seems like an enjoyable game and am not averse to it, I just don’t really get it.

• Peoples’ unwillingness to learn that good grammar is indeed hot. I mean, come on, how hard is it to make sure the subject and verb agree or that a comma goes inside quotation marks. And when you should capitalize something or leave it lowercase? Read Strunk and White’s beautiful little book of style, The Elements of Style, sometime. You’re talking to the girl who actually sleeps in a T-shirt that says “Good grammar costs nothing.” Because really, I’m just asking for a little effort. It’s sad that people from other countries with other primary languages speak and write English better than us.

• Why people think Paris Hilton is hott (to use her terminology). I don’t get it. ‘Nuff said.

• Why a huge sign on my door that basically says “leave me alone; I’m working” doesn’t keep people out. Or when I use the tone of voice that says, “seriously, you’re on my last nerve and I’m tired of listening to your complaining” and the speaker doesn’t get it. Social cues are kind of a big deal. . . and while I know I miss my share of them, I’m at least trying.

• Guys. I’m not even expounding on that one. As I’ve said before, boys are weird. Sometimes I ask my twin brother about this, but he’s weird, too.

• The excuse, well I really can’t cook. If you can read, you can cook. If you’re willing to take a little time and pay attention to what you’re doing, you can cook. And I seriously don’t know how people have gotten through life with such limited cooking skills.

• Why people seem to think I’d be great at leading conferences. Guys, I’m shy! Remember when you first met me? I was quiet, right? It took awhile for you to get to know the real me, correct? Seriously. I’m very self-conscious. I get really nervous about speaking in front of people. I’m especially struck by the depth of my own ignorance in such situations. So if you didn’t like me upon our first meeting and thought I was stand-offish and stuck up, please give me another try. I probably thought you were super cool. I’m working on the shyness thing!