AI: It’s their birth year and they’ll cry if they want to.

If I were competing on tonight’s “American Idol” and singing a song from my birth year. . . . I’d be singing Patti Smith’s “Because the Night” or Randy Newman’s “Short People.” Or something by the Bee Gees, because the Brothers Gibb were quite popular in 1978. (No comments on my age. I can and will beat you up!)

Yes, I took the time to look up the top 100 songs of 1978. Yes, I’m weird. Stop laughing! It’s time for AI!

The top 8 stand on the stairs and Ryan is overly dramatic. THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL!

We get the intro, the screaming crowd, Ryan descending the stairs, and —wait a minute, the judges are seated! NO judges entrance! Yay! Ryan intros tonight’s theme and the judges. (Alas, we can’t get away from introducing the judges, but we do get to see their baby pictures which I always find entertaining.) And Paula’s baby picture isn’t really a baby picture. Neither is Simon’s. Apparently they popped out at age 7.

Danny’s up first. He’s the oldest contestant this year and he was born in 1980. 1980! I feel old. He’s doing “Stand by Me.” Hmm, interesting choice. I think this will be good. It starts slow and plodding. He’s a little off on some of the first notes, then gets to do some runs and play around on the notes. Then the accompaniment speeds up and he sings the mess out of the song. I like Danny because I feel like he truly enjoys every minute he’s on this stage and knows that he has been given a great opportunity that not everyone gets. And he’s going to make the most of it. Randy says he didn’t love the arrangement but Danny made him love it because he can SING; Kara says the arrangement was weird but he killed it; Paula says he set the bar very high and that she liked the arrangement; Simon laughs at Paula then says the beginning was good, middle was lazy, and end was amazing. Right on, Simon. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

Kris Allen is up next and his birth year is 1985. Wow. 1985. I was starting kindergarten. OK, it’s not that big of an age difference, but still. I’m old. He’s singing “All She Wants to Do Is Dance.” I’m scared for him at the beginning, but he seems to be having fun and selling this song. The vocals are there; he’s cute as can be and the girls in the audience LOVE him. It’s not vocally exciting and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything new or original, but it’s a good performance and I don’t think he’s in any trouble. Kara says she loves that he picked an uptempo song but it felt like music class homework (she’s right); Paula says he’s likeable and did well with a song that is “one note;” Simon calls it indulgent, boring, forgettable, and that he came across as a guitarist who wanted to sing rather than a singer; Randy says the arrangement was self-indulgent and we lost Kris Allen. I have to say, I agree. It was good, technically and vocally, but it wasn’t amazing and it wasn’t creative or fresh.

Lil’s next and she was born in 1984 in Memphis. There’s a discussion about Lil’s name. That it’s just Lil (which everyone in the interview says like Leel. It’s disturbing.) She’s doing “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” She starts out a little vocally weak but looks amazing. She quickly gets to her roundhouse and spends a lot of time wailing on some notes. Sometimes I feel like Lil is shouting at me instead of singing. I mean, she’s good. She can sing. But she doesn’t seem to know the difference between belting and yelling. Paula says this is the week Lil should have proven who she is as an artist and basically says she didn’t; Simon says it was a second or third rate copy of Tina Turner and Lil’s got to be more original; Randy says Lil’s talented and looks great, but is not picking songs that let her shine as an artist; Kara points out the struggle between being a singer and an artist. Whatever Lil says, the judges are telling her the truth. She’s cute and can sing, but I’m not sure she knows what she wants to do as a singer. She just seems to be picking all the divas of music and trying on their songs for size.

Anoop is next and he’s all excited because UNC won last night. Dude, that was a boring game. I know he’s proud because that’s his school, though. Anoop apologizes for being rude to Kara last week and then says that he was born in 1986. He’s singing Cindi Lauper’s “True Colors.” For real. And oddly, as he starts singing, it seems to be working. Anoop can straight out sing and he makes this song even more plaintive than Cindi’s original. He plays with some of the notes and does a nice job. I like Anoop, but I’m not sure he’s the American Idol. He’s walking a fine line between cheesy and good. Randy says it was a nice vocal; Kara says he controlled the song and interpreted a pop song with soul (what?); Paula says a lot of fluffy things; Simon says it wasn’t fantastic but that it was good. I’ll just say that it didn’t make me want to throw up and I’ve definitely heard him be much, much worse.

Scott is up next. He was born in 1985. He’s younger than me, but somehow, I feel like he’s older than me. He’s singing “The Search is Over” and is apparently going to play the guitar. I didn’t know he could! I love Scott. I think he’s wonderful, and he made a good choice in picking this song. He knows what his roundhouse is. But the truth? He doesn’t have the vocal chops of all the rest of the contestants. At parts, feel like he’s screaming and his singing voice always sounds too much like his speaking voice. Kara says he took on a big song and had good moments and off moments (I agree); Paula applauds him for playing the guitar but that some of the high notes were screechy; Simon says he should go back to the piano because that’s his comfort zone and the song was horrible; Randy says it was just all OK. I think that’s probably the best analysis of all four judges. We all want Scott to astound us and he just mainly is OK.

Allison is up next and she was born in 1992. 1992! For real. She’s doing Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” which I love. She sings it and she doesn’t try to be Bonnie, which is cool. She changes the melody around a bit and powers into the double chorus. It’s good. The beauty of this song when Bonnie does it is the fragility and strength that’s paired. She’s sure of herself, but vulnerable. I’m not sure Allison carried that off but that’s probably because she doesn’t have the life experience to sing that from her heart. Paula says she made it her own; Simon said it was very good, but Allison needs to be more likable (good advice); Randy says she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson and that they both can sing their faces off (he also calls her dude); Kara says Allison has talent and could go make a record. Good job, Allison. I think you’re GREAT!

Matt Giraud is next. He was born in 1985 and there’s weird footage of him in a church play. It’s HILARIOUS! He’s doing Stevie Wonder’s “Part-Time Lovers.” EEK! Stevie? But when he starts, he’s right on and I LOVE it. And it’s been a long time since I loved Matt. He seems very comfortable with this song and is pulling out all the stops. Vocally, he’s right on. I basically think this was  a great performance! Is the world imploding? Randy says vocally it was one of the best performances of the night; Kara says it was incredible on every level; Paula gives him a standing O; Simon says it was good. It’s 7:58 and we’ve still got Adam left to perform. You’ve got to start reigning Paula and Simon’s arguments in, Ryan. You’re taking up too much time with stupid stuff!

And we’re waiting. I don’t think AI’s ever going to come back. OK, finally, here it is!

Adam’s up and he was born in 1982. He’s quite a cute kid and admits he loved playing dress up as a kid. His hair is actually reddish naturally. He seems to be a performer from early on. He’s singing “Mad World.” It’s good, even though that pains me. Adam can sing higher than I can. It’s not fair. Or cool. I must say, Adam has absolute control over his voice and can slip into his falsetto with finesse and ease that most guys do not have. He is a wonderful performer and a very talented singer. I’m just scared of the album he would produce.  Simon is the only won who gets to evaluate, but gives Adam a standing ovation. And, guys, he deserved it.

Bottom? Scott, probably Anoop, and Lil

Best? Adam. Hands down. Allison and Matt are close behind. I’d rank Danny next, then Kris.