A conversation with myself

Often in the mornings, I find I need to listen to a Christian radio station on the way to work to help me get my head on straight.

My radio was already tuned to the station when I got in the car this morning and Jonny Diaz’s “A More Beautiful You” was playing.

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine/Says she wants to look that way/But her hair isn’t straight, her body isn’t fake/And she’s always felt overweight, Jonny sang. My ears perked up. I’d just had that morning where you try on half the pants you own and throw them aside in disgust because they suddenly seem to fit too tightly or pull in all the wrong places.

Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see/That beauty is within your heart, Jonny said.

And that’s when I started having a conversation inside my head about the song. Whatever, I thought. Everyone says that but I’m not sure we believe it. Guys don’t look for that.

Bitterness dripped from every little word in that internal conversation with myself. Jonny, though, wouldn’t be deterred.

And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair/Are perfect just the way they are/There could never be a more beautiful you/Don’t buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through/You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do/So there could never be a more beautiful you, he sang.

Suddenly, I heard my internal self bitterly mocking and pouring on sarcastic remarks.

And for a moment heard it all for what it was. Lies that I’ve believed. An unhealthy way of thinking about myself that has become almost an addiction for me. An idea planted somewhere deep inside me that everyone else is special and beautiful and put together and desirable except for me.

And for once, I heard the words I was feeding myself, the lies I was telling myself, and knew they were lies. And for once, I recognized the poison I was feeding myself and stopped the train of thought.

Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Because I am loved by a King who is WILD about me.

Because skin deep beauty fades, but the characteristics God builds (generosity, trustworthiness, hard worker, good steward, kindness and so many more detailed in Proverbs 31) never fade.

Because I am loved despite flaws and imperfections, disappointments, fears, and sin.

Because I am loved.

And there never has been a more beautiful ME.