A beautiful disaster.

A few days ago, I started a new Bible study with a group of women at my church. It’s a study based on the Sermon on the Mount and written by Angela Thomas, who has also written a book called Do You Think I’m Beautiful.

And that’s mostly what she talked about in the video portion of the opening Bible study. She told stories from her childhood and how no one really has to say anything to let you know that you’re not beautiful. You just know, and the things all the beautiful people get to have, you don’t really get to share in.You don’t get asked to dance. You don’t have boyfriends. You don’t get flowers on Valentine’s Day. It comes to a point that you don’t even try for some things in life, because you just know that you’re just not good enough for it.

And as she talked about these childhood experiences, I began to see how completely I had believed that lie myself. That I wasn’t good enough. That given the chance I would change absolutely everything about myself. That I’m the one who never shines bright enough in a room full of more beautiful, more accomplished, more witty, more whatever women.

And I don’t want to be that person, the girl who bases her self-esteem on if some guy is paying attention to her or if someone thinks she’s beautiful or otherwise worth it. I’ve edited Bible studies myself about these topics, written articles about what it means to find your worth in the God who created you. I know it; I believe it; at times in my life, I’ve even lived it.

But I’ve spent a lot of time looking for worth in other people’s eyes, and I just don’t want to do it anymore.  I may not be cool. I may not be the most beautiful girl in the room. I may be the instigator of inane conversations, keeper of random useless trivia, and a collector of pajamas. I may laugh too loud and dance like Elaine on “Seinfeld,” yell at referees in televised basketball games, and sometimes prefer to spend my Saturday nights curled up on the couch with a good book rather than going out on the town. But it’s who I am and who I am going to confidently be for the rest of my life. So get used to it! 🙂