Job wanted?

So, I need someone to step up to the plate and help me out, because this morning proved one thing to me: I am completely unable to get out of my house in any sort of orderly fashion.

Let’s just talk a little about this morning. I slept badly and hit snooze one time, meaning I got out of bed at 5:24 a.m. I walked the dog, fed the dog, got the coffee pot ready and set it to brew according to the programmed setting. I put some cinnamon rolls in the oven. I read the Bible. I ran to check on the cinnamon rolls. I took a shower. I took cinnamon rolls out of the oven. I did my makeup, dried my hair (sort of), and got dressed. I got my breakfast together, poured the coffee into a travel mug, and realized I had once again not gotten my lunch together the night before. Today, I decided to just let it go and buy my lunch. At some point, I stumbled out of my house and into my car and drove to work. I got mad at a dude in an Acura who didn’t know about driving in his lane and only his lane. I spilled coffee on the carpet and myself.

So, obviously, I’m a mess. I need someone to help me along in certain areas. Here’s the job description: Job includes helping Mandy M. Crow get out of the house on time or at least in a timely fashion most mornings. Job applicant should have skills in ironing, be willing to discuss the merits of which pair of shoes or jacket goes better with the outfit, and give honest feedback on said outfit. Applicants should be skilled in grinding coffee and setting Cuisinart to the programmed brew time, while also reminding Mandy that breakfast is the most important meal and that she should take her vitamins more often. Job applicants should be well versed in encouraging someone to do something without actually demanding or mocking said person (i.e. packing her lunch the night before). Skills that are not necessary but definitely useful: handy with the hair dryer and round brush, able to make the bed and place the pillows in the appropriate places, and able to entertain an 8-lb poodle whose morning hobby is barking. Pay is non-existent, but you will earn Mandy’s undying devotion and appreciation, plus work will appreciate her arriving in a more timely manner and in a nicer mood.

So, thoughts? Applicants? Words of encouragement?